oh, [bleep]!
oh, jesus!
Oh, jesu
Oh jesus christ!
No, oh [bleep]!
Whoa, whoa! That waawesome.
[cheers and applause]
tosh: It's nice to see black
People embracing the fourth
Though they were forced to be
Here.
Welcome to "tosh.0."
Tonight sick kicks for the
Ladies.
Are the reebok limited edition
Court victory pumps.
No need to adjust your tint
Tting they're supposed tbe
This yellow.
Tweak the sharpness a tad.
Tonight I wild out with this
Interneat icon and hire people
From below minimum wage and
Engage in work place harassment.
Let's see why the scariest
Cracker has a firecrack.
oh [bleep]!
tosh: I'd watch firewor for
This guy anyime provided it's
In a safer neighborhood.
Does safer mean white?
Yes.
that was awesome.
Wow
Oh, lord, jesus!
tosh: You keep screaming for
Jesus and a burning bush
Appears.
Coincidence?
Mr. Cooper, it's me the lord.
You have three wishes.
All right.
Loser gets his balls lopped off.
tosh: He's a x.
Half german shephard and drunk
Guy at the bar.
He's growling because his leg
Doesn't move like that.
I wish the movie gray finished
Like this including liam neeson
With mini k mini scotch bottles.
Spoiler aletter.
one, two, three, four.
I decla a five six.
five, six, seven, eight I use
The hand to masturbate.
tosh: You get to shove the
Champ up victory circle.
It's important f young girls
To have strong feminine role
Models.
you're dad is a huge pussy.
I think the funnel cake truck
Maybe more his speed.
He's probably just uncomfortable
Because he has a giant tmb for
A head.
[ yelling ]
tosh: He is really going to
Freakut when grace elizabeth
Starts riding boys.
What has four legs, two boobs
And can never kick?
Two lezzing out.
Let's go out on a limb and put
20 seconds on the clock and see
How many funnies we can make.
I wish I could mak ts sexy
But I am stumped.
Women will do anything to shed a
Few pounds.
When they rub their nubs
Together it's called a pirate
Kiss.
They're probably bties for the
Shoe savgs.
They're hot.
They're 8s.
All right, 7.5.
I just got cut off.
What's next?
boys.
tosh trains are always a bad
Decision unless you're
Committing suicide or playing
Monopoly.
Yo collect all four you have a
Cash cow.
Let's go to this week's
Breakdown.
All aboard!
This is canada where even whiter
People do even dumber stuf
When have you free health care
And a low drinking age you tend
To take more risks.
you'll [bleep] under the
[bleep] train.
tosh: How did he get
Underneath it in the first
Place?
My theory is he was born there.
The only place more dangerous to
Wake up is rodney king's pool.
I'd rather be trapped under a
Train than listen to a song by
Train.
What the hell is a drop of
Jupiter.
hey, it's in your wheels.
tosh: Wait, what?
Here's a tip.
In life and death situations
Don't take advice from anyone
Who sounds like sarah palin.
Wait until the train finishes
Passes over you unlike the me
Batman movie, trains don't go on
Forever.
tosh: Congrats I think you
Saved your social studies
Homework.
I think he can't.
no, no, no, no no!
No!
Help me.
tosh: Wow, the little idiot
That could survived.
I'm just glad the source code
Machine is going to keep putting
Him under the train until he
Finds the bomb and for that we
Thank you.
We'll be right back with rubb
Bubb prevention but first this
Baby sucks at bak dancing.
[¶]
[cheers and alause]
early every shop in oakland
Is installing whistler tips
Making it audible for a mile.
tl me about the whistle.
it' when you want to
Whoo-whoo.
some neighbors are saying too
Loud.
that's only in the morning.
If you're cooking breakfast is
Like an alarm clock.
Whoo-whoo.
tosh: The only bigger waste
Of money is raiders' season
Tickets.
He invented viral videos with
Two immortal words but really
One but said twice.
It's more of a noise.
Whoo-whoo.
Tricking out your car is like
For people who can't afford a
House.
Your vehicle is an investment.
What's better than drive out a
Tricked out civic is an audi.
No matter how many gallons of
Nos you is have.
Stop with a the after-market
Spoiler.
Only thing you're spoiling is
Your blu book value and if you
Don't have a navigation system
Get off the roads.
I don't want to be behind
Anything unfolding a map like
Louis and clark and if tigra and
Bunny were they'd tell you they
Like the cars that go boom and
The only acceptable thing the
Fish.
You can't blame him for trying
To anoi anoint white people wit
Car and this is the web
Remption.
how you doing?
I'm all right.
I see you still have your
Whistle tip.
tosh: You don't mind if my
Grease monkeys trick out your
Jetta while we talk.
Take special care of this one.
Do you prefer bubb or mr. Rubb.
it's depending on who's the
Rubbing.
bubb-rubb.
hi a growth on me and I it
Was like a chia pet.
It grew.
tosh: Were you surprised the
Video came b popular.
I will be back.
tosh: Just so I can be clear
For the people at home that
Might not pick up on that they
Were doing a news piece onhe
Whistle tip?
like a complaint.
sh: How'd you come up with
Whoo whoo?
I was demonstrating and gave
Them an rubb version of how it
Would sound if they put my pipes
On so it came out whoo-whoo.
See the whistle.
tosh: How many times do you
Think since the video you've
Said whoo-whoo.
more than my hits on youtube.
tosh: Were you driving on the
Piece because you almost
Sideswiped the car.
they asked for an exale of
The whistle tip.
How else can we do.
tosh: You almost got into an
Accident.
Do you ask ladies to make a
Whoop-whoop on them.
I have three moves, the
Finisher, punisher and power
Tapper.
tosh: Power tapper?
you put them moves on her and
She out.
She going to be cooking you
Breakfast and you don't even
Have to use the whoo-whoo alarm
Clock either.
did you try making the
Pyramid?
reat call, boss.
tosh: That's why I'm in
Charge.
Bubb rubb your car's finisd I
Hope you like it.
as longs you put the tip on
My whip I know it will be ready.
Mr. Bubb rubb I didn't bringou
Out to l.A. To just say
Whoo-whoo.
Are you ready to see the most
Obnoxious car.
yeah.
tosh: Was hoping you'd say
Whoop-whoop.
You guys are fired.
The munchkin donuts are for
Customers only.
Get out of here.
All right, bubb.
We're moving the blindfold.
What do you think?
this is not my car.
tosh: No, this is your car.
I know you'll love this.
We replaced your windshield
Wipers dispensers with bottles
Of christal.
You get to spray champagne on
Their titties we hooked you up
With a fake boot.
The 40unce cup holders and
Because you never mess way black
Men's stereo you'll never have
To listen to the goatier song
Again.
I expect a person likeourself
Gets ashy from times to time t
Squeeze the steering wheel.
We hooked up with coco butter.
you never asked me but always
Classy.
tosh: Don't worry about being
Late because we set the clock.
Look in the back.
wow.
tosh: The overheadlight is a
Hydroponic grow light and I got
You your own medical marijuana
License.
Y can't drive very far because
The gas tank has been modified
And only holds seven dollars
Worth of gas.
When you drive a car like this
You can expect to get pulled
Overa lot and if you get
Arrested you have bond star.
It connects you to your
Bailbondsman.
what are you going to jail
For thistime?
tosh: He sounds racist as
[bleep].
This is a lifetime supply of
Che
Cheatos.
I we saved the best for last and
Hooked your jet up with an
Illlegal train whistle.
Pull the cord.
Whoo-whoo, hoo-hoo.
Good lord has it illlegally
Loud.
Your car's been officially
Pimped.
I've been whoop-fide.
tosh: Shockingly the folks at
Avis refused to give us our
Deposit back.
We'll be right back but first
Our dick of the week.
[laughter]
to break my foot here's the
Boys.
you're an idiot, tyler.
[laughte
for the amazing low price of
Five dollars I'll review your
Website and give you my
Professional design opinion.
for five dollars I'll send
You photos.
if you needed to translate
Some documents get back to me
Without any hesitation.
I will be the secret admirer
Inase someone they never
Wanted.
tosh: I think we found the
New president of my fan club.
Those were all frorom a website
Called fiber where you can hire
People to do a myriad of stupid
Things for five dollars and
Since I'm all for cap labor
And simulating the economy I
Spent my five bucks.
I asked should I see magic mike
The theatres or wait for
Cable.
daniel, you're intent on
Seeing magic me but should you
Go to theatres.
A man as comfortable in his own
Heterosexuality shouldn't have a
Problem wh seeing a movie
About male strippers with an
Audience.
tosh: Your nipples are
Unen.
I gave him a recipe and put five
On it.
here we go, rinse and dry out
Several two-liter bottls and
Dry them into a powder.
Hol the starter fluid upside
Down and pour it out of the cans
To the two-liter bottles with
The ammonium nitrate mixture and
Place them around the container.
Place the cap on swirl it around
But do not sha it.
After t hours you're through
Cooking.
Pour the remaining liquid
Through coffee filters andt
Gets saved, dry the crystals and
Get high as a bat.
tosh: That was both thrilling
And informative.
Y got to love a chick who's
Willing to hul hoop in a bikini
For only five dollars.
[bleep] she is so dizzy.
tosh: Can you imagine the
Grs [bleep] can g her to
Do for six bucks.
Can you imagine you can hire a
Clown on the internet for six
Bucks.
hey, ids, you shouldn't
Watch "tosh.0."
He uses grown up words and
Things that hurt people's
Feelings.
tosh: Don't listen to her,
Kids.
All clowns are serial killers.
That's the best twenty bucks
This show has spent but I still
Want to recoup my losses s I
Posted to display your twitter
Handle on the air f $2
Don forget to upload a blog to
O
Have me put I on before I share
It I want you to open up your
Hearts and minds.
Because this -- I don't know
What I'm saying.
Just watch it.
[ engine reving ]
[laughter]
tosh: What did you learn?
Riding around in your muscular
Bike is a great w
[cheers and applause]
tosh: Hey, welcome back.
Sorry I was pumping up my sick
Kicks.
The right foot likes it at 45
Psi.
Likes to feel the root.
The other foot's asleep.
Next week we get down with the
Clown.
we can take anybody so
[bleep] you.
tosh: Hopefully he'll have
Caught up with the beat by next
Week.
Follow me on twitter so we can
Selectively live chat with some
Of you during the show and keep
Up with the blog at tosh dot
Come at comedy central dot come
And this is exciting.
Did you know I'll be producing
My own a animated show on comed
Central.
It's called brickleberry and
Woody is voiced by sponge bob
Squarepants himself tom kenny.
Watch the video.
what's next?
Foregiving your dad for making
You wear panty because he missed
His dead wife.
I'm not m, dad.
She's gone.
tosh: Squidward would not
Approve and the biggest blog is
You never really get to [bleep]
Mary or kill anyone.
Here's a much more satisfying
Game with more sequences.
I give you slap, lick, fondle.
all right, rachel, slap,
Lick, fondle.
I can grab you?
one.
Go.
slap, lick, fondle.
A priest, rabbi and my dog.
Forgive me father for I have
Sinned.
tosh: The great thing about
Beinthe boss is they can fire
The hr department before they
Call me into their office.
This game obviously needs to
Catc on.
Play it at home.
After getting the written
Consent of all involved parties.
Send me your videos and if do
You a good job perhaps I'll put
Them on the air.
Perhaps I won't.
Perhaps I will.
Good night a god bless
America!
[cheers and applause]
[ yelling ]